I think my church may hate me.

The other week i had the honor of preaching in the service of my church. i know that probably sounds sarcastic, as it doesn't really excite me that much, but the truth is, i don't like to do it due to the fact that it's a big responsibility, so i take it really seriously, and i end up being something of a perfectionist when i prepare my sermon. as i was waiting for the worship pastor to be done introducing me, and as my stomach was aggressively digesting itself, i thought it would be cool to go up there without my shoes on. no big, right? i've always liked the idea of being barefoot when in front of the church, symbolizing, in my mind, that i'm walking on sanctified ground. To be in a position of teaching in front of the church is, i think, a holy thing- sharing the message that God has given to His congregation.

I don't think anyone remembers anymore what i preached about. all they know is that i did it without shoes on. seriously. i really didn't think most people would notice, or care, but it seems that while i was giving the sermon that took me forever and a day to get right, everyone was staring at my feet. it even came up at the council meeting- one of the moms was a little frustrated that she has to fight to get her kids to dress up for church, and the youth pastor, their most relevant role model in the church, walks around without his shoes on! it's now been almost 3 weeks since the sermon, and the kids on campus were talking to me about it again. i really wish i had known that it was going to be such a big deal- i would have used it as an illustration or metaphor for something. it's definately the most memorable thing about my preaching. and not everyone thought it was a good thing. i hear, in fact, that someone requested that i not preach again. it seems that bare feet are offensive. well, i'm not sorry. i'm gonna keep pushing that envelope, riding that ragged edge, always looking for a better high.

Must....control....sarcasm......

When do i get to be a youth pastor?

I think most things in life that we think are scary really are, even when you're old enough to get over them. when/if i start driving in japan, i'll just get in my car and drive it like a normal person, but really, on the inside, i'm freaking out like some middle schooler who has just stolen his dads car keys. how come nobody told me that all those times that adults looked like they knew what they were doing, they were really only bluffing. but, i guess if i knew that they wouldn't be bluffing anymore.

All that to say, i'm starting up the high school youth group this sunday. and the only feeling that was like the one i'm having happened when i would have huge greek tests in 2 days and know that there was no possible way that i could learn 500 vocab words short of translating the words into electronic pulses and wiring my brain. but i think that would have taken only marginally shorter than greek memorization. the biggest difference between youth ministry and being in college is that the grade that matters most is not the grade i want to get most

I desperately want the high schoolers to like me. i remember feeling this way when i was starting the middle school group- that everything would be horrible and everyone would hate me. i had experience with high school, i told them, but i have no idea what do to with middle schoolers. now that i am faced with this imminent doom of my own creation, i am suddenly overcome with the realization that i have no idea how to do youth group to high school, all the games i know are for middle school, and i'm not funny.

Now, before everyone starts preaching to me about what my goals are/should be, etc., let me disclaim- i know that i should only care about how much the kids like me through the filter of doing ministry. that is the truth. it is also a truth that i have to actually believe, that is, i do not believe it now. i want them to like me. i want them to think that my posters are cool, that my youth group rocks, and that i should be a rock star. i want to walk on campus and be respected. i want so many of these things, and i do not think that i will get them. that is why i am scared. i am doing something that i think will probably only be marginally successful, at best. i have no way to judge or gage what i am saying or doing. it's like trying to drive from point A to point B on a huge runway while blindfolded. there's not much of a chase you will get hurt, but there's also not much of a chance that you will get where you're going, or know when you're there.

This scenario has pretty much been the story of my life. i've learned how to bluff confidence. in college i was actually confident. here i have no idea what i'm doing, where i'm going, or what the lady from the bank on the phone is trying to say to me. with everything i do i get about 10% and fake the rest. the kids know this. i tell them over and over again that i didn't go to school for this, that i have no idea what i'm doing. they just tell me to shut up and lead, which i do, i guess. i don't think this is a problem. in a way, it's actually kinda fun. when i was younger (like in august) i wet my pants at the thought of talking to an official of any sort about anything. i had a pride/humility/incompetence complex. now i call japanese people on the phone and challenge them and their knife-wielding dog to a showdown down by the docks where the bamboo grows on the 3rd night after the full moon. well, mostly i just ask them to help me with my car. and things work out, for the most part. at some point i expect this approach to backfire and and up buying a house over the phone or something, but so far it's been workin ok. except my bank card is somewhere, and i don't know where.

The point! you exclaim, get to the point!! the point, my faithful reader, is this: i am actually incompetent, but as long as i'm having a good time with it, i see no reason to quit. i knew when i signed up for this thing that i would be in way over my head, and i hoped that this would mean that i would lean on the shoulder of God more, rather than do the whole "i'm-too-manly-for-anyones-help" thing, and i would say that it's worked rather well. i seriously tell the kids that for the most part, i really don't know if i'm a good youth pastor or not. this is not something i've been trained or groomed for. this is not something i went to school for. this is something that i think God wants me to do, and i'm going to do the best i can with that. and they seem ok with that, and the nice lady on the phone seems to be ok as long as i keep saying "hai".


And i'm ok as long as God thinks i'm cool. at least, that's what i try to believe.

One of the bonuses to getting a visa and all that is that i now get to try and change the registration and ownership on a car from someone else to me. this is such a hassle over here in the birthplace of bureaucracy, that people who buy cars, either from a dealership or from a friend, hire a middleman to change it for them. as a testimony to the amount of red tape involved, the fee for this is usually in excess of $150. it is not necessary to hire some third party, but every person i know who has changed the registration and plates and everything themselves tells me it's worth every yen of it.

Before i can even do that, though, i have to own the car. and before i can do that, i have to have proof of parking. that's right- i have to prove to the police that i have a parking spot. i went and got the paperwork today. on of the pages is largely blank, and on one half i get to draw a map of my neighborhood, as close to scale as possible, and on the other half i have to zoom in on my house and give accurate measurements of my parking spot. i have to turn that back in to the police, and a few days later, i'm told, they will come by in a little patrol car and check to see that the information is correct, and give me an official "certificate of parking", and a coupon for sushi.

i wish. sushi would be nice.