note- this post was originally written in mid-november, but was inadvertently saved as a draft rather than published. so this entry is calling out to you from the past, like some ghost or something. i'll give this a few days to sink in, then give you good-for-nothings one more handout before i head to america for the Christmas.


Conundrum'd!!


Here's something that's been weighing heavily on my mind:

The "contract" at the house i'm living at right now is expiring in the middle of december, which sucks, mostly because that means that i'm gonna be living out of my frame pack before i even go home for Christmas. but that means i need another place to live. enter the conundrum. i'll make this a make-your-own-adventure.

Page 1
You are a daring youth pastor in the exotic land of Japan. You've agreed to sign on for 2 years, and at the year and a half mark, you've mysteriously run out of places to live. On your way to the realtors office, you get kidnapped by the stereotypical evil mastermind and, after being tied to a chair and attacked by ravenous sloths, you are cast into a pool of pirrahnas. Evil ones. Quickly taking stock of your desperate situation, you see there is a poorly disguised ladder on the side of the pool with the words "In order to escape, you must extend your "contract" as youth pastor for at least another year". Not willing to admit that you have no other choice, you do a quick resolve check and decide that you are resolvey enough to take out the pirrannah's with your bare hands, and you can do it without extending your contract. If you use the ladder and extend your contract, go to page 3. If you take on the flesh-eating fish with your bare resolveful hands, and don't extend your contract at church, go to page 18.

Page 3.
You climb out of the pool using the ladder, thus cementing your decision to pastor youth for at least one additional year. You continue on your way to the realtor, hoping that he will make all of your living problems go away. On your way, you get a phone call from an old friend. "Dude, I've got this friend who has a cousin who just got arrested for attempted regicide. He'll be in jail for like 6 months, and he needs someone to look after his 14-ft python "Snookums". Can you chill at his place for 6 months? Rent will be really cheap, but it's like really far from where you "work." You realize that if you decide to live with Snookums, at the end of the 6 months you will be forced to begin the search for a residence anew. Then again, there is a possibility that a much-coveted apartment will open up in 6 months, but at the price of bout $800, is a little more than you want to spend. But people have been known to turn back from huge chests full of money, fame, and as many as 3 beautiful women for the chance to live in this place, and you would pretty much be a guaranteed shoe-in, if only you can find somewhere to live for the next 6 months. If you decide to bunk with Snookums, go to page 6. If you continue undaunted to the realtor, flip to page 14.5.

Page 6.
You move in with the python, which takes some getting used to. After a few months fighting over who should make the coffee in the morning, you find it a peaceful co-existence. You commute 30 minutes each way every day to and from the office, first by car, then by motorcycle, then eventually by bicycle. The sheer mind-numbingness of it all leads you to sleep at least 2 nights a week in your office on a cot you set up, which makes you wonder why you bother with a house and rent at all. You never really bother moving in to the place, since you'll just be moving out in 6 months anyways. Once again, you find that you are "homeless"- that is, you have no place that you call home. At the end of the 6 months, you try and move into the apartment, in spite of the fact that it costs more than half of your monthly salary. You use all your money just paying rent and bills, and forget about that "eating" thing. You starve to death. THE END.

Page 14.5.
You spend countless hours in countless real estatey places, drinking double your own weight in green tea, and repeating your criteria ad infinitum, hoping that one day, one of them will actually bring you an apartment that matches with what you asked for. Eventually one does, you visit it and are impressed. Dually. Well, at least duly. Rent is about ¥60,000/month, which in your evil dollars comes to about $550. Oh, and there's the one month's rent in "key money", one month's rent in "thank you money" (which seems a lot like a bribe to me...) and the obligatory one month's rent that gets sent into the nearest black hole. Hooray! You have your own place! Unfortunately, you've spent over $2,000 to get it and have no money left for food.You die a horrible painful death. THE END.

Page 18.
You choose not to extend your contract, thus ending your career as a youth pastor. Not knowing what else to do with your life, and no longer in possession of a working visa for Japan, you go back to America and get a job working for the nearest starbucks.With no greater purpose for your life, you get sucked into watching "Lost" on TV, only to eventually discover that the title of the show actually refers to what happens to your soul when you watch it.You become a shell of a man, and eventually implode from lack of purpose and an intestinal disorder that has never been officially been connected with satanbucks coffee. THE END.