Ways that ryan is screwed up #139b:

For the next week, i'm looking after hana, the family dog and arguably more spoiled than the other 5 of my mothers actual children. for most of today i was out doing, you know, youth pastory things (like drinking way too much coffee at Misudo), and from time to time i would think of poor hana, locked up in my house just sitting around waiting for me to come home and pay attention to her. and when i came home, she was all happy to see me, and i played with her for about 10 minutes, then i was done playing, and went about my usual routine of checking email and making food and watching stuff, but not without a very teeny nagging sense of guilt for not paying more attention to hana. and i thought to myself "that's why i like cats better; they don't need you"

It's not screwed up to like cats better. that part's normal.

The screwed up part comes now: i realized that i feel the same way about hana needing me as i do about girls needing me (if anyone ever figures out how my brain works please tell me). cats don't need you, at least they would never tell you that they needed you. and when you get a cat to like you and jump up on your lap, you've accomplished something in a weird sort of way. whereas when hana jumps up on the couch next to me while i'm watching stargate, i know that it's because she's a very social animal and needs attention, which i give to her on the assumption that she will go away and let me watch my mostly-good tv show.

I think it all comes down to me being very, very selfish. i want to do with my time what i will, and not have it held captive by some obligation. because i enjoy hanging out with kids, doing "work" is mostly just fun. but i wonder if the fun-ness is directly linked to the new-ness, or the do-it-better-than-the-last-guy-ness. and when it gets same old, same old, and it's generally agreed that i am doing a good job, and i hate the kids for being stupid, and if i do my thing then from obligation, will i hate it? when the kids need me and i no longer need them, what will i do?

break up with them?